When I was done gagging, I started eating again. Then I bitched her out for being superficial. She asked me what I looked for in a guy and it got me thinking. I know about things I DON’T like in a guy, but what DO I look for in a guy? So I made a damn list.
AWWWW HAILLLLLL NAAAA
No Actors or Models. This doesn’t mean I think I can easily swing an actor/model, but hear me out. I live in Los Angeles. More than half of the guys I meet are “actors” which really means they are bartenders and they were in a web series once that got 257 views. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people going for their dreams–but why can’t more men in LA dream of being a dog owner who loves blonde 23-year-olds who are poor who love pizza and Taylor Swift? I guess I’d just prefer to be hit on by an actor who actually makes a living off acting (Hellllooooo, Liam Hemsworth) not an actor who was just cast as the fat, creepy, ginger in a commercial for hemorrhoid cream (Too specific? Sorry, Paul).
No Meatheads. I recently had a guy come up to me at the gym and ask me if he could use me as a bench press. His shirt read: “Turn Down for What?”
Also, no Methheads.
No Clingers. There is only one thing I hate more than waiting for food to microwave–someone following me around when I go out.
Don’t Be Too Cool. I like cool people. But if you are too cool to admit you like Beyonce or if you refuse to see anything but Wes Anderson movies, you can start packing everything you own in a box to the left.
AWWW HAILLL YASSS
Be Funny. And fun. And Funky. And Fungry when necessary.
Be Nice. It’s actually sad how far being nice can get a guy if the girl is just desperate enough. Oh, what’s that you said? You like my necklace? That’s so sweet why don’t you come over and I can show you my other jewels….
Have Friends. Please introduce me, I need more friends.
Have a Job. I’m sick and tired of falling for homeless men just because they are funny and like my necklace and have a group of friends! [Editor’s Note: Real happy at this point that I’m not the only gal out there who falls for a homeless man or two.]
Shower. Once a day. It’s not that hard and it’s not too much to ask. I’m not even going to ask you to manscape. I’ll let that be a personal decision.
Cook. This may be the most important way to a girl’s heart. This doesn’t mean making elaborate meals every night; I enjoy a good pancake from time to time.
The more I ponder what I want in a man, the more I realize want I want is simple. I want someone who will be there for me through think and thin. I want someone who brings me warmth and joy and excitement. I want a guy who makes me giddy when I see his name pop up on my phone. I want someone who answers–no matter how late I call, no matter how drunk I am, I know he will pick up the phone. I want a man I can trust.
My dream man is the Dominos delivery boy.
JoEllen is a hilarious writer living in LA. Read more of her blog at www.joheaven.com. Do it. Like right now.
[Final Editor’s Note: When I made this list at 23-years-old, it read “must like cheeseburgers.” Girl, you’ll find your non-hemorrhoid cream commercial, pancake-making, Liam Hemsworth lookalike one day SOON. But before that, can we please grab drinks and shop for men together? K, thanks.]