And enough time had passed in my online dating stints that I forgot. I forgot how depressing online dating is. Especially on Sunday.
Because…even though it’s online, it’s pretty transparent. I mean, you can see who’s viewed your profile, who’s seen a message you sent and never responded, and if you look really closely, you can see your standards–and dignity–fading fast.
I’m not sure about other sites–I’m too cheap to try them and OkCupid is free–but it just serves as a reminder of what’s really out there for you.
Exhibit A: Nicely Bearded Man, 31
After clicking on his profile, here’s what I found:
- Works at Ace Hardware
- Fired from Ace Hardware (so the above should be in past tense)
- Tried nursing school, but it was “too boring”
- Lives with his parents
- Currently looking for roommates (maybe he got this site confused with Craigslist)
- Looking for a trendy, good-looking woman with a “career”
But you know what–I have to give this homeboy credit for putting it out there. How many times, ladies, have we been out with a guy and it’s just this snowball of horrible information: I don’t have a job–BOOM–I’m completely unambitious with my life’s goals–BOOM–I’m going to pretend I forgot my wallet and make you pay for my negronis–BOOM–
Exhibit B: Blondie, 32
For those of you who haven’t been on OkCupid (or hit rock bottom), the service provides a space for you to fill out a self-summary. It’s super awkward because no one really knows how to talk about him/herself without sounding incredibly lame. But we all fill it out in the name of finding true, OkCupid love. Here’s how this homeboy’s went:
- My Self-Summary: blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, blah
I know. WHERE is that second-to-last comma?? Is he so lazy he can’t even correctly punctuate his “ironic” self-description? I. Can’t. Even.
Exhibit C: Too-Good-To-Be-True, 36
This guy was just a little too good-looking–like did you airbrush your photos or just step off a Ralph Lauren photo shoot?
I thought about messaging him anyway until I saw this:
- Optimal dating age bracket: 20-31
Hold up, dude. You’re ok with dating someone who still has to bring a fake ID to the bar and you’re 36? Yeah….I’m out.
Exhibit D: the Creative Message Guy
I received the following message from this homeboy:
- “Do you think sneakers, sandals, or flip flops look better on a guy with shorts and a T-shirt?”
First of all, unless she’s a store clerk, do not ask a woman you don’t know for fashion advice. Second of all, none of that footwear is appropriate for a grown ass man. Neither are shorts, which I imagine are of the cargo-nature. Don’t even get me started on guys who think it’s acceptable to wear concert shirts to any place other than the gym.
Just imagine if the situation was reverse. If I sent that message to a guy: “So, do you think I should wear my TOMs or clogs or Crocs with my oversized sweatpants from high school?”
Dude was from Indiana, though, so I guess I have to cut him some slack.
*This is just an obligatory * after the plethora of my ***** were called out last week. See, dear reader, I listen.**
**Kinda. I just had no real after-thoughts on this one.***
***See what I did there? Ok, I’ll stop.