Bullet Point Tuesday: My Lipstick Lesbian Diet

So I chose this title because I wanted to freak the shit out of the neighborhood Betties. No doubt they were all like, “Well, I mean, we kinda knew all along…”

Unfortunately, I have not gone lessie. No fun experimentation stories, either. (Can’t you just hear the sighs of relief?)

What I have done is employed my favorite two Lipstick Lesbians* to give me a diet. Because, ladies, if you haven’t figured it out yet, the double L’s have all the secrets when it comes to looking good. But make sure it’s someone you trust. You certainly don’t want anyone going Mean Girls on your ass.

4 Things That Happen When An L.A. Lipstick Lessie Power Couple Puts You On A Diet:

1. The Whole Foods guy now hates me. As if the judgement from the skinny-jeaned, tattooed, check-out guy wasn’t bad enough before when I was only buying sale items, I can now feel his disdain seeping through his dreadlocks as he rings up my no-calorie noodles (Did you KNOW those are thing–so weird) and low-fat tofu. As a result, I plan my Whole Foods trips to precede my therapy sessions just to deal with the fall out.

2. So carbs are apparently the enemy. And they’re everywhere. When I asked my two Lipstick consultants if I could eat bananas, you would’ve thought I asked if they’re Sarah Palin fans. Apparently, bananas are where carbs go to make more carbs and then their carb children do little tap dances in the folds of your stomach. So I don’t eat bananas anymore. (Although one can only be curious if the banana thing isn’t a subconscious lesbian aversion.)

3. Hanging around kid food is now like a Kardashian hanging around a Foot Locker. Temptation is everywhere. When I babysat for my niece and nephew, I completely went off the grid and devoured an entire box of Apple Banana Teddy Grahams. (Yes, I said banana.) Gone are the good ole days of polishing off a Papa John’s pizza and breadsticks by myself. Now I feel guilty about the bear-shaped grahams that are furiously producing baby carb cubs, who are giggling as they play hopscotch on my ass.

4. Lexi tried to make mini bownie cupcakes the other night, but messed them up. They clearly had to be eaten…so as not to be wasteful…for the starving children…somewhere. I’d really like to say that I showed some form of will power in front of these temptresses, but my burnt tongue for the next four days proved otherwise.

I’m in Week 3 of my Double L Diet, and I’ve lost 3.5 pounds. Think it’s fair to say that the bears are winning.

*Lipstick Lesbian: a trendy, fit, cute, lessie who would never be caught dead wearing these. See pic below for my power couple example. 

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